Title: Not Knowing

Author: T'Pau Silver

E-mail: TPauSilver@aol.com

URL: http://www.geocities.com/TPau_Silver

Date: 04/19/02

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Not mine

Mi note: I got this idea with all that woman who was going to court to get it so her husband could help her kill herself and he wouldn't be tried with murder and I was listening to Melalicas one. It got me thinking, if I was in that position I would want to die. I got thinking that is Reed was in that position Mayweather wouldn't have any say as he was a lower rank. This is what happens when I think. I've been told it's a nasty habit, I should stop it.

They ran full tilt back towards the shuttle. Reed gasped and pushed forward, trying to get back to the safety from the gun fire. Beside him Archer bent his head over and furthest from him was T'Pol. He focused on the shuttle. He knew Travis was inside. It would all be all right if he could only get to the shuttle.

This had been a peaceful mission, the planet had been uninhabited, they had been sure of it. It hadn't been though. He had thought after the whole Novan incident they had decided to scan below ground before beaming down. Apparently that hadn't been the case. They had been investigating some mineral rich caverns when these aliens had jumped out from nowhere. They had been ruthless, shooting at them before Archer had even had a chance to speak.

The shuttle. He had to get to the shuttle. That was all Reed concentrated on, the shuttle and the man inside. Travis Mayweather. He knew that if he just got back to the shuttle and Travis then everything would be fine.

Exhausted, Malcolm tripped over a rock. He gasped as he went down, gripping his ankle. rcher and T'Pol noticed him, glancing back. Archer paused for a moment, looking for a way to save Reed but the aliens were almost upon them and he began running again. After only seconds he felt the leathery hands of the natives on this godforsaken planet grip him and pull him to his feet. One of them pointed a gun at his face.

"We can't go without him."

"I gave you a direct order Ensign, now take us up."

Travis paused. He knew there would be no arguing with Archer. The Captain would just leave Malcolm there with these violent people and no means of communicating. He didn't want to do it. He couldn't do it.

"Now Ensign," Archer yelled.

Mayweather moved reluctantly forward and began to take them up. He tensed. He couldn't leave Malcolm behind. It was just not something he could do. But he couldn't stay. He couldn't tell Archer why it was so important to him and even if he did Archer would probably still tell him they'd come back later.

Later could be too late for Malcolm.

It had all started about a month ago. After the incident on the asteroid. When they had returned Malcolm had invited him to his quarters for a drink…

Travis nervously stepped into Malcolm's quarters, unconshously rubbing the now healed injury to his knee. Malcolm was already there, dressed in comfortable off duty clothing.

"Come in," the Lieutenant said, gesturing for Travis to come right in. The Ensign did, letting the door shut behind him. He watched as Malcolm poured two glassed of Whiskey. Travis shifted nervously from foot to foot. Malcolm looked over at him and smiled, then handed him a glass.

"Have a seat," Malcolm said, still smiling.

Travis looked around and realized that might be easier said then done. Even though the Lieutenant did have private quarters unlike himself, they were very cramped. There was a small table, a wardrobe/cupboard and the bed. There was no chair, it wouldn't have fit in the cramped space. Malcolm collapsed on the bed and Travis decided to copy him, sitting down nervously on the side, very aware of the other man beside him. Malcolm took a sip of the Whiskey and Travis began to talk. He had never been so nervous around anyone. Since the away mission Travis was feeling so awkward around Malcolm. Of course, he had always been attracted to him. He was a very attractive man, but this was getting to be a little ridiculous.

Travis forced himself to relax and began chatting away with the other man. It wasn't so hard. He just had to relax, to act like he always did.

Malcolm laughed at something he said. Travis felt a familiar stirring in his groin. He tried to ignore it, tried to think of anything other then how absolutely gorgeous Reed looked when he smiled. He forced himself to continue talking, hiding the nervousness he felt. He took another sip of his drink.

Malcolm had noticed how nervous his guest was and was enjoying it. He watched then Ensign squirm against his growing discomfort. He had been unsure about the Ensigns feelings when he had invited him here but now they were increasingly obvious.

Finally he decided to get to the point of this visit. He had been extremely attracted to Mayweather from the moment he had lay eyes on him, now he was ready to do something about it.

"Travis, there's something I want to talk to you about," Malcolm began. Travis' eyes went to his face. He had been avoiding looking at Malcolm but now looked up at his friend.

"Being so close to death made me realize something. I have tried to deny it but I have to tell you or I think I'll go insane. I think I'm in love with you Travis."

For a moment Travis didn't know what to say. He had dreamed of this moment and now it was here he had no idea how to act. The decision was made for him when Malcolm leaned forward and pressed his lips to his experimentally. Travis sighed and allowed Malcolm to take the lead, parting his lips and giving the Armoury officer full access. "I love you to."

Since that day he and Malcolm had been secret lovers. They had chosen to hide there relationship from the crew as Malcolm had had some bad experiences in the past. Travis had no experience but with his growing feelings for the older man, he was willing to do whatever Malcolm thought was best.

Now as he piloted the shuttle away from his stranded lover he felt his heart breaking.

On returning to the ship he went straight to the bridge. He piloted the ship in a geo-synchronous orbit. It was about the dullest job he could possibly imagine. He wished something exciting would happen to keep his attention from perpetually wandering back to Malcolm on the planet, hurt.

He watched as the command crew came onto the bridge and gathered around the situation table. He knew there was no reason for him to be over there. He wasn't needed. His just was just to fly the ship. He wished he could be their though. He wished he knew what was going to happen to Malcolm, what they were going to do to save him?

He couldn't hear them clearly, but he tried to listen in anyway. Something about establishing contact and possible attack methods. The more he listened the more they seemed to lean towards solutions which involved hand grenades and phase pistols, so he made the decision to stop listening. He was nervous enough without thinking of a rogue blast taking to Malcolm's head. He made himself concentrate on his console as the crew spread out, some going back to there stations and some heading of the bridge to God only knew where.

It had been two days since Malcolm had been taken and Travis had no idea what was going on. The Captain had kept the information that Malcolm had been captured under tight raps as crew moral had been very low lately and hearing that the Armoury officer was missing wouldn't help. They had told the crew he was grieving the deth of a family member and needed some time alone.

Unfortunately because of this the information about rescue attempts was kept on a strictly need to know basis also. For all Travis knew his lover could be lying in sickbay, almost ready to come home, but on the other hand he could be lying in a cave on that damn alien planet, dead.

He was alone in the mess hall. His shift had been over for a long time and it was the Enterprise's equivalent of the middle of the night but he hadn't been able to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Malcolm, hurt, dying, calling out to him.

The door to the mess hall opened and Hoshi came in. Travis glanced up at her and she moved to join him. He didn't really want the company but she knew what was going on and might let something slip so he put up with it. He wished he could just tell her about his reltionship with Malcolm. He knew she would understand and she would tell him anything he wanted to know about Malcolm's current condition, but he had promised his lover he would not tell a soul and he intended to keep the promise.

"No offense Travis, but you look like hell."

Travis smiled slightly and looked down at his tea. He lifted it to his lips to take a sip and realized it had gone cold. "I've been having trouble sleeping."

"Is it about Malcolm." Travis looked up at her sharply. "You seemed really upset about the incident on the planet. I asked the Captain to let you in on what was happening but he didn't think it was a good idea."

"Is he ok?" Travis asked. Hoshi looked a little uncertain then nodded.

"Yes, we had to go down there and get him. He's in sickbay, but he's still not doing so well. His leg was mostly blown off. The doctor wants to amputate his leg at the hip. He says that because of the risk of infection, this would be the best place to amputate. But it's too high up for Malcolm to get an intelligent prosthetic. He could have a regular one but it wouldn't link up to his mind. There wouldn't be enough nerve endings and muscle tissue. The doctor could amputate below the hip, but there's a much greater risk of infection.

"Since Malcolm has to stay sedated, we're contacting his parents. They have the right to decide for him. Were just waiting for them to get back to us."

"How do they know what he wants?" Travis interrupted. "They don't even like him."

"Well, there's no-one else."

Hoshi looked a little distraught. She politely excused herself and Travis let her go. He sat contemplating his lovers fate, trying to think what Malcolm would want. He would be devestated it he couldn't walk anymore. But he could get infected and die if he didn't. In the same instance he was upset that he, the closes person to Malcolm in the world, would have no control over his lovers fate, but he didn't envy the person who did have to make the decision.

He wanted very badly to go to sickbay and see if he could get in to see his friend but he knew they wouldn't let him in. He rose and went back to his quarters, trying to get a few hours sleep before the next shift.

A week after the accident Travis was a reck. He hadn't slept properly all week and was dying to see his lover again, just to be near him for a while. He wanted to know what Malcolm's parents had said. He wanted to know if his lover could still walk. He knew that whatever had happened he would still love the other man and be there for him. The bridge was very silent. T'Pol and Archer were in his ready room. Hoshi had the bridge but she had remained at her console, pouring over some alien language. It felt so strange to glance back and see some Ensign as Malcolm's station. He hadn't realized how much he had appreciated being able to look back and see his lover until he couldn't anymore.

He watched as the Captain came out onto the bridge with T'Pol and then passed over, going down into the turbo lift. He tried to focus back on his console but he couldn't. Flying in a straight line wasn't the most interesting thing in the world. Soon the Captain was back.

"Ensign Mayweather," he said, gesturing for Travis to follow him. He did and was soon sat on the other side of Captain Archers desk.

"You know what happened to Malcolm on the planet a week back?" Travis nodded. "Well, we got him back but there were…complications. We've had to amputate his leg. He woke up yesterday and has been asking for you but the doctor has only just cleared him for visitors. Do you want to see him?"

"Yes," Travis said, before Archer had even stopped speaking. Archer nodded and the two men made their way down to sickbay.

As Travis entered sickbay he was forced to stop for a moment. He knew Malcolm would be ill but he was so pail. Malcolm eyes flickered open and looked over, meeting Travis'. For a second Travis was frozen under the gaze then he stepped forward quickly, reaching Malcolm's side in a few strides.

"How are you feeling?" Travis asked his lover.

"I've been better."

Travis didn't know what to say. He wanted to laugh and cry. He wanted to pull the other man into his arms and never let go, but he was aware all of this would be inappropriate with that Captain in the room.

It appeared, however, that either Malcolm didn't see Archer or didn't care. He reached out and lay a hand on Travis' shoulder, trying to get his to move closer. Travis' last reserve crumbled and he stumbled forward and sat on the side of the bed, wrapping his arms around the other man. It felt so good to have Malcolm's arms around him again. He heard Archer gasp but didn't care. It felt to good.

Eventually Malcolm drew back. Travis looked at him then leaned forward and brushed his lips to the other man's in a gently kiss.

"I'm feeling much better now," Malcolm whispered.

"Glad I could help," Travis replied. They just sat there for a second. "Damn I've missed you."

Travis rushed around the small quarters, getting his lover comfy. Malcolm laughed at him and eventually caught his arm, pulling him down. It had been a week since he had regained consciousness. His leg was gone. Right up to the hip. He was getting a prosthetic. They were taking him home right now. He would be able to walk around but he would have to leave Enterprise. It wasn't an intelligent prosthetic. He couldn't run or anything. He'd been offered a job at Starfleet research department, which he had decided to take. He just didn't know how to tell Travis.

"We need to talk." Malcolm looked up into Travis' eyes.

"I know," Travis replied. "I just want to say something for a second. I love you. I was so scared when you were on that planet, and I didn't know what happened. No one would tell me as The Captain didn't want it getting out to the crew so I had no idea if you were even alive. Then Hoshi told me you were alive but tht you might loose your leg. It was scary. I wanted to help you. I know you aren't close with your parents and I didn't know if they would make the right decision for you. It's horrible not having a say in something so important to someone so close to you.

"I don't want to have to go through that again, ever. I want people to know, I love you. I want to announce it over the comm and wander through the halls singing it so there's no doubt but I don't think that would go down well so…I was wondering…will you marry me."

Malcolm didn't know what to say. The younger man sat on the bed looking up at him. He had no idea that Travis had felt this deeply. "We need to talk first. Don't get the wrong idea, I love you. If you knew about everything I would say yes in a second but…My leg. I wont ever walk again. I can't work on this ship. I've been offered a research position at Starfleet and I'm going to take it."

"I guessed as much," Travis told him. The Ensign reached out and wrapped his arm around Malcolm's shoulder. "It doesn't bother me. I want to stay on Earth. I want to be with you. I want to be there for you."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes. It'll be hard. I've never been on Earth for more then two months at a time. I'm not use to it, after being raised on cargo ships, but I'll do it for you." Malcolm smiled, gently pulling the other mans head against his chest.

"In that case, I'd be happy to marry you."

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