I open the curtain that surrounds the biobed and sit down on a chair next to it. Tears dwell up in my eyes like they do every time I visit my lover.

I have never seen him look so frail. The normally tanned face is pallid, the blond mane is covered by a white bandage, there are tubes leading to his nose providing his lungs with the necessary oxygen, IVs make sure his body gets the nutrition it needs.

Gently I take one of his hands in mine and though I have experienced this many times in the past few days I am still shocked at the numbness where only days before there had been so much vitality.

With my other hand I lightly caress his cheek, whispering his name over and over again, like a mantra.

According to Dr. Phlox he can't hear me and the Denobulan says that talking to him won't make a difference. But to me it does.

I kiss the palm of the hand I'm holding and rest my forehead against his shoulder.

Inhaling deeply I take in his scent. He still smells the same and his skin still radiates the warmth I feel against my body when we make love.

***

Dr. Phlox had held the crying baby in his arms, rocking him gingerly from side to side, soothing him by softly humming a Denobulan lullaby.

When one of the crew had needed his attention he had handed me the newborn with a smile and an encouraging nod of his head.

I had taken the boy only reluctantly, not knowing what I was supposed to do, what I was supposed to feel.

I had never felt too comfortable around babies but knowing that the one I was holding was a clone of the man I'm in love with had put this unease to another level.

***

As I had entered the mess hall only two days later and had walked over to Dr. Phlox who had asked me to join him my gaze had fallen on the seemingly 10 year old Sim.

Trip had always been mad at his mother for showing me the family albums whenever we visited her. Bringing the red blush of embarrassment to his cheeks had been a challenge for me and Mrs Tucker.

It had been unreal to see the same young boy in front of me, like he had stepped out of one of the photographs in Trip's quarters or to hear his voice, the broad Southern drawl so equal to my lover's inflections.

When Memories Haunt Us

I open the curtain that surrounds the biobed and sit down on a chair next to it. Tears dwell up in my eyes like they do every time I visit my lover.

I have never seen him look so frail. The normally tanned face is pallid, the blond mane is covered by a white bandage, there are tubes leading to his nose providing his lungs with the necessary oxygen, IVs make sure his body gets the nutrition it needs.

Gently I take one of his hands in mine and though I have experienced this many times in the past few days I am still shocked at the numbness where only days before there had been so much vitality.

With my other hand I lightly caress his cheek, whispering his name over and over again, like a mantra.

According to Dr. Phlox he can't hear me and the Denobulan says that talking to him won't make a difference. But to me it does.

I kiss the palm of the hand I'm holding and rest my forehead against his shoulder.

Inhaling deeply I take in his scent. He still smells the same and his skin still radiates the warmth I feel against my body when we make love.

***

Dr. Phlox had held the crying baby in his arms, rocking him gingerly from side to side, soothing him by softly humming a Denobulan lullaby.

When one of the crew had needed his attention he had handed me the newborn with a smile and an encouraging nod of his head.

I had taken the boy only reluctantly, not knowing what I was supposed to do, what I was supposed to feel.

I had never felt too comfortable around babies but knowing that the one I was holding was a clone of the man I'm in love with had put this unease to another level.

***

As I had entered the mess hall only two days later and had walked over to Dr. Phlox who had asked me to join him my gaze had fallen on the seemingly 10 year old Sim.

Trip had always been mad at his mother for showing me the family albums whenever we visited her. Bringing the red blush of embarrassment to his cheeks had been a challenge for me and Mrs Tucker.

It had been unreal to see the same young boy in front of me, like he had stepped out of one of the photographs in Trip's quarters or to hear his voice, the broad Southern drawl so equal to my lover's inflections.

"He can remember anything that happened to Trip when Trip was this age."

I stared at the doctor.

"So the older he grows the more of Trip's life he'll recall?"

The Denobulan had nodded and I had closed my eyes.

It had taken me a while to realize that Phlox's revelations implicated something that scared the hell out of me.

The only thing I could do was to wait for the day when my best friend's memories would tell Sim what really connected Trip and me.

***

"Hello Cap'n!"

Sim entered Sickbay. He looked so much like Trip that it hurt physically to see him standing in front of me and at the same time lying on the biobed next to me.

"Hello Sim."

He looked from my face to my hand holding Trip's.

"So it's true."

The time was there.

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard.

"You remember."

He nodded His face was Trip's but his eyes somehow weren't. Apart from my lover's experiences he had also made his own. And they made him a different person.

"Yes. I feel things, Jon. I remember your hands on his body, my body…"

I jumped up and raised a hand to interrupt him.

"HIS body, Sim! HIS! I never touched yours!"

He took one step closer towards me and I could smell him, smell Trip.

No, I had to remind myself, I smelled Sim. I had smelled Trip only moments before, when I had sat beside him.

"I…"

Sim didn't say another word and stretched out his hand to caress my cheek.

I jumped as his fingers touched my skin. This was so familiar and yet so different.

"Don't, Sim! Don't!"

"I'm here, Jon! He's not!"

"I know, Sim, but you are not the one I want! Not the one I need!"

"But I am him!"

I shook my head and backed away from him.

"No, Sim, you are not! You may have his memories, you may share his feelings but you will never be him! I share my memories with Trip, not with you! You may be able to go on, to live Trip's life like it is your won. But to me all you will ever be is his copy. And a copy can never be as good as the real thing!"

I tried to turn around but he grabbed hold of my shoulders, pulled my head towards him and kissed me.

For a moment I let him linger, for a moment I let myself taste him, so much like Trip.

But the moment went by and I directed my eyes and my attention to the man lying on the biobed, to the man I loved, to the man who meant everything to me.

"I have told you that I would do anything necessary to safe him. I know you can't grasp what saving Trip means to me. It means saving my own life. Saving you would mean giving up everything Trip and I had!"

Sim's squared his shoulders and looked me straight in the eye.

"So this is what you meant back in his quarters. I thought you are doing this for the chief engineer. But you are doing this for yourself, for your lover, for your live together!"

"You have his memories, Sim, you know what happened to Lizzie and to 7 million others on Earth! I want to prevent more of that happening. And yes, even though I do need my chief engineer, I'm in even more need for my best friend, my lover! I need this man, Sim, desperately!"

***

Suddenly the hand in mine squeezes my fingers. It's only a light touch but it reverberates through my whole body.

"Trip?"

He opens his eyes and looks at me, his gaze still clouded.

"Jon? What the hell ."

I silence him by gently putting a finger on his mouth.

"Shh, love, you need rest."

He purses his lips, kissing my finger and closes his eyes again.

I raise my head to the ceiling and heave a deep sigh.

"Thank you, Sim!"

The Denobulan had nodded and I had closed my eyes.

It had taken me a while to realize that Phlox's revelations implicated something that scared the hell out of me.

The only thing I could do was to wait for the day when my best friend's memories would tell Sim what really connected Trip and me.

***

"Hello Cap'n!"

Sim entered Sickbay. He looked so much like Trip that it hurt physically to see him standing in front of me and at the same time lying on the biobed next to me.

"Hello Sim."

He looked from my face to my hand holding Trip's.

"So it's true."

The time was there.

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard.

"You remember."

He nodded His face was Trip's but his eyes somehow weren't. Apart from my lover's experiences he had also made his own. And they made him a different person.

"Yes. I feel things, Jon. I remember your hands on his body, my body…"

I jumped up and raised a hand to interrupt him.

"HIS body, Sim! HIS! I never touched yours!"

He took one step closer towards me and I could smell him, smell Trip.

No, I had to remind myself, I smelled Sim. I had smelled Trip only moments before, when I had sat beside him.

"I…"

Sim didn't say another word and stretched out his hand to caress my cheek.

I jumped as his fingers touched my skin. This was so familiar and yet so different.

"Don't, Sim! Don't!"

"I'm here, Jon! He's not!"

"I know, Sim, but you are not the one I want! Not the one I need!"

"But I am him!"

I shook my head and backed away from him.

"No, Sim, you are not! You may have his memories, you may share his feelings but you will never be him! I share my memories with Trip, not with you! You may be able to go on, to live Trip's life like it is your won. But to me all you will ever be is his copy. And a copy can never be as good as the real thing!"

I tried to turn around but he grabbed hold of my shoulders, pulled my head towards him and kissed me.

For a moment I let him linger, for a moment I let myself taste him, so much like Trip.

But the moment went by and I directed my eyes and my attention to the man lying on the biobed, to the man I loved, to the man who meant everything to me.

"I have told you that I would do anything necessary to safe him. I know you can't grasp what saving Trip means to me. It means saving my own life. Saving you would mean giving up everything Trip and I had!"

Sim's squared his shoulders and looked me straight in the eye.

"So this is what you meant back in his quarters. I thought you are doing this for the chief engineer. But you are doing this for yourself, for your lover, for your live together!"

"You have his memories, Sim, you know what happened to Lizzie and to 7 million others on Earth! I want to prevent more of that happening. And yes, even though I do need my chief engineer, I'm in even more need for my best friend, my lover! I need this man, Sim, desperately!"

***

Suddenly the hand in mine squeezes my fingers. It's only a light touch but it reverberates through my whole body.

"Trip?"

He opens his eyes and looks at me, his gaze still clouded.

"Jon? What the hell ."

I silence him by gently putting a finger on his mouth.

"Shh, love, you need rest."

He purses his lips, kissing my finger and closes his eyes again.

I raise my head to the ceiling and heave a deep sigh.

"Thank you, Sim!"