With a whooshing sound the doors closed behind him. The quarters were dark.

He had expected nothing else.

His shoulders slumped down, and he covered his eyes with one hand. It was stupid to be disappointed. It had been a long time since someone had been waiting for him at the end of his shift. Wistfully he remembered the time before the attack of the Xindi. The evenings full of laughter, the nights full of love. Only memories had remained. Memories of what could have been, if only…

…if only his world had not been turned upside down by the Xindi. If they had not flown into the expanse. If he had not been forced to see Jon lose control so completely that the captain was about to commit murder.

Somewhere deep inside his heart he still had held the hope that somehow Jon might have come here tonight. Slowly he dropped his hand from his eyes, and was about to reach for the light, when he heard the sigh.

It was a sigh that he recognized immediately. From a person he knew almost as well as he knew himself. So he was here. But why hadn't he switched on the light? And why was he here? Though he was glad that the other man had found the way into his quarters, he felt suddenly unsure whether he should be glad or not.

There was this sigh again. Deep, as if the man were in deep emotional trouble.

He respected the wish for darkness, and slowly made his way across the room until he reached the bed from where he had heard the noise. Tentatively he reached out, searching for the shoulder of the other man.

"Jon?"

It seemed to be inappropriate to speak loud, so he whispered.

"Malcolm?"

The answer was half a moan, and half a sob. It nearly broke Malcolm's heart. Then he felt the familiar fabric of Enterprise's uniform under his fingertips. Carefully he sat down on the bed next to Jon, and found himself suddenly with an armful of crying Jonathan Archer.

The older man clung to his shoulders, and sobbed heartbreakingly. Every now and then he heard a few mumbled words, but they were impossible to understand between the sobs.

Malcolm did the first thing that came to his mind. Almost reflexively his arms closed around the grief-wracked form of his lover, rocked him gently and murmured sweet, soothing nonsense in the other man's ear.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the sobbing seemed to ebb, until he finally only heard deep sighs.

They remained like that for what seemed an eternity. Jon's sighs became rarer, while Malcolm caressed his back in slow, soothing motions.

Again he heard some words, whispered into his tear-soaked uniform. Carefully he turned a little, so that the words wouldn't be muffled by his clothes.

"What?"

"I almost killed him. God, Malcolm. What have I done?"

Instinctively Malcolm tightened his grip on his lover again. That was a question he, too, was unable to answer. He had seen his captain, his lover, at the airlock. Had seen the rage in his eyes, the lack of emotion in his face.

And it had taken all of his willpower not to draw back, and aim his weapon at him. And now he had him in his arms, and he felt so terribly helpless. So he continued stroking his back, rocking him gently.

"Nothing happened, love. You let him out just in time. I had Phlox sent to him, and he confirmed that he will recover completely. You've caused him no harm. Sssh…love. Relax. You didn't kill him. You killed no-one."

Suddenly he felt Jon move away from him, and his arms suddenly felt empty. He folded his hands and rested them in his lap.

"How can you call me that? After all that I've done?"

Jon's voice sounded bitter. Despite what he had witnessed some hours ago, Malcolm knew that Jon still was the kind-hearted soul, he had come to love so many months ago. And because of that, he knew that his love for this man was able to bear more than one moment of madness. But he knew also, that there would be no use in talking these things over tonight. They wouldn't come to any kind of conclusion. So he decided that they both were in desperate need of some sleep.

He rose from the bed, and went over to a little cupboard next to the door. He opened the first drawer, and took out a box of matches and some candles. Soon their soft flickering light filled the quarters, banishing the darkness.

Without looking at Jon he undressed himself. When he was finally naked, he went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, washed his hands and his face, and returned to Jon after a few minutes. He placed one of the candles on his nightstand, and put out the rest.

With long eased practice he began to undress the older man, who was looking incredibly tired. And without resistance Jon let it happen. It seemed as if all of his power had been drained away from him.

He laid himself down, pulling Jon with him, until they lay cuddled together in his small bed, the older man's head on Malcolm's shoulder. Every now and then a shudder ran through the exhausted man's body, causing the younger one to tighten his grip.

It didn't take Jon long to fall in a restless sleep. Malcolm followed him only minutes later, his hands still caressing the soft skin of his lover.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Malcolm awoke. He couldn't figure out exactly at first what had awakened him, when he suddenly realized that his bed was empty.

Jon!

He was gone. Malcolm sat up worried. He switched on the light, and was terribly relieved when he saw Jon sitting at the end of his bed, staring at him, now blinking rapidly in the all too sudden, and all too bright light. He smiled slightly.

"Hey."

Jon reciprocrated the smile, though it was still a little shaky. Then he became serious again.

"I'm afraid, Malcolm."

Carefully, Malcolm scooted closer, to close the gap between his lover and himself.

"I know, love. We all are," he replied, not quite sure if that was the expected answer.

With a sad expression in his eyes, Jon reached out, and touched Malcolm's cheek. Closing his eyes, Malcolm leaned into the caress. The last time had been too long ago, and he craved for the nearness of this man.

"You are so unique. How can you love me after all that I've done this afternoon?"

Malcolm opened his eyes again, looking his lover directly in the soul. Jon swallowed hard because of all the love he saw in these grey depths, which seemed almost black in the dimmed light.

"I simply do. Jon, this afternoon, that wasn't you. You know that and I know that. We all have been under a lot of pressure lately. Some more, some less. And you, as the captain, most. I won't play down the events of this afternoon. But seeing you, sitting here, so full of grief, so full of pain…I know you won't let it happen again. You still know right from wrong. And you still feel enough to be ashamed of yourself."

A single tear escaped Jon's eye, when he saw the sincerity in his lover's face. With a deep sigh, he almost threw himself in the young man's arms.

"Oh Mal, what have I done to deserve you?"

Involuntarily, a smile appeared on Malcolm's face.

"Guess, you've always been a good boy? Always cleaned your plate?"

With a sound halfway between a sob and a laughter, Jon tightened his grip around his lover.

"I'm afraid of losing myself." he murmured quietly.

"Then let me help you, help in finding you again." Malcolm whispered.

He pulled back a little, looking his lover deep in the eyes, before he carefully moved closer, and gently, oh so gently kissed the other man's soft mouth. Jon remained motionless at first, but when he felt the tip of Malcolm's tongue demand entrance, he surrendered. With a deep moan, he opened his mouth and reciprocated the kiss with his whole heart. Blindly he reached out to pull the body of the other man closer to his. When the need for air forced them to break apart, Jon rested his forehead on Malcolm's, softly whispering.

"I love you so much it scares me."

Malcolm smiled tenderly at his captain.

"There's no need to be afraid. Let yourself fall, I'll catch you."

Malcolm turned his lover on his back, all the while kissing him, playing with his body, until the other man began to moan softly. After all the months they had been together, Malcolm knew exactly how to drive his man crazy with need and lust. He had developed a very slow, and very sweet torture for him. It was a path, that started at the lips, at that wonderful, kissable mouth, which he plundered passionately. He moved on, and let his tongue glide over the older man's collar bone, gently scratching it with his teeth.

He kissed a hot trail over the chest, until he reached the first nipple. Sucking gently on it, he smiled when he heard the sharp intake of breath from the man beneath him. Then he turned his attention to the other side, all the while ignoring the hard erect penis of his lover.

"Mal, oh god, Mal…oh yessssssssss…I…OH YESSSSS!"

Malcolm tenderly laved over the spot that he had just bitten. He knew that the spot would still be visible tomorrow, though it would be hidden under the uniform. And he knew that Jon loved to be marked that way by him. It was an incredible turn-on for the older man.

Today was no different. With an almost feral growl, Jon changed position with Malcolm, rolling the younger man on his back, before he went down on him. Malcolm had barely time to recover from the quick actions of his lover, when he felt himself already engulfed by the heat of Jon's mouth.

He wanted to scream, wanted to shout, but all that came out was a deep moan from the inner core of his soul. And Malcolm felt Jon's little smile around his hard manhood.

Sometimes their love-making was tender and playful. Sometimes it was rough and hard. And today was definitely not the time for being either playful or tender.

Malcolm sensed the urgent need of his lover to feel…simply to feel. To feel alive, to feel forgiven, to feel understood.

And he did understand. So he started to return every single action with the same ferocity. When he felt Jon's first finger demanding entrance to his body, he fought him off. Just to be conquered. And to prolong their love-making. He looked down at Jon, and saw with a pleasant smile that his wonderful green eyes had turned almost dark. Now he was in the state of complete sexual control. And Malcolm was willing to enjoy every second of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With a deep growl that would be able to put a tiger to shame, Jon tried to still Malcolm's movements on the bed, for he was unable to breach into that wonderful body. But somehow he had no chance tonight.

The younger man seemed to be determined to fight him tonight. Jon knew what that meant.

He smiled.

So, no games today? No loving foreplay? No? Okay. Then just plain sex, hot and sticky, rough and quick.

He suddenly released the hold he had on his lover, and reached over to the nightstand. He opened the first drawer and pulled out the lube. With satisfaction he saw the shiver running down Malcolm's lean body, and saw how his young lover instinctively opened his legs a bit wider for him.

That was all the invitation he needed. Quickly he coated his own straining erection with lube, before moving back between Malcolm's legs.

"Mal, look at me!" he ordered with a husky voice. Slowly Malcolm opened his eyes, and Jon was stunned by the wild hunger, and the unbridled passion he saw.

"You want this?"

Slowly Malcolm nodded, his gaze never leaving that of his lover.

"Oh, yes, please, love. It has been so long…"

Jon needed no further encouragement. He lubed up two fingers of his right hand, and noticed with a grin that his hands were shaking. Then he searched again for the entrance of his lover's body, and this time Malcolm let him in.

With a deep satisfied moan from the man beneath him, Jon pushed two fingers almost without resistance into the velvety heat.

He rested his head for a moment on Malcolm's leg, reveling in the feeling of his finger's buried deep inside his lover. Then he began a slow pumping movement, but after a few seconds he noticed that slow and easy wasn't what his lover wanted tonight. Malcolm pushed himself back powerfully, practically fucking himself on Jon's fingers. Quickly Jon added a third finger, making the younger man growl with pleasure.

As he looked down on Malcolm, who was so open to him, so trusting, Jon felt a love within him, so deep and so profound that, for a few seconds, it simply took his breath away.

Malcolm was moaning almost constantly now, and the knowledge, that it was him, Jon, who could cause this gorgeous man so much pleasure, made his heart ache with love.

Then the passion overwhelmed him, as he suddenly felt the long, talented fingers of his English man close around his own hard shaft. The lube made it slippery, and intensified the feeling. He let his head fall back, enjoying the sensation, when he suddenly heard his armory officer mumble something under his breath.

It really must have been a long time for him, for Jon heard very clearly the words his lover had uttered.

"Would you please stop with these useless preparations now and just fuck me, PLEASE!"

Jon bent down, to kiss his impatient man, whispering against his mouth.

"Your wish is my command."

And without further warning, in one swift movement he embedded himself deep within the body of his lover. And quickly covered his mouth with his own hand. Hell, Malcolm's shout must have been heard even three decks below.

Though his harsh "GOD! JON!" was definitely good for Jon's ego.

Passion took over, and silenced every rational thought. Blindly, Jon pounded into the willing body of the younger man, who met every thrust with one of his own.

They didn't last long, couldn't last long. The last time had been too long ago, and the sexual tension had been too overwhelming.

After a few minutes Malcolm crossed the edge, and came. And came, and came. It seemed a never-ending climax, in which he shouted, sobbed, and cried. The contractions of his ass pulled Jon with him, and the older man let go. And he fell, fell, fell…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jon barely noticed that Malcolm cleaned him carefully before returning to bed, slipping under the covers next to him. When he felt the warmth of the other man's body next to him, he closed his arms around the lean form, caressing the silken skin.

"Thank you." he whispered without opening his eyes.

"For what?"

Malcolm's voice sounded surprised.

"For…ah…you know."

And Malcolm knew indeed. For forgiving him when the regrets over his actions seemed to be overwhelming. For being there for him without any questions. For loving him when he couldn't even love himself.

Smiling, he snuggled closer to his lover, resting his head on Jon's chest, feeling the steady rhythm of his heart.

"All part of the service."

With a slight laugh, Jon lovingly ruffled Malcolm's dark hair.

"I love you."

Malcolm pressed a quick kiss on his lover's chest, before returning to his former place.

"I love you, too."

The end

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No Regrets


Tell me a story
Where we all change
And we'd live our lives together
And not estranged

I didn't lose my mind it was
Mine to give away
Couldn't stay to watch me cry
You didn't have the time
So I softly slip away...

No regrets / they don't work
No regrets now / they only hurt
Sing me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine

I know from the outside
We looked good for each other
Fell things were going wrong
When you didn't like my mother

I don't want to hate but that's
All you've left me with
A bitter aftertaste and a fantasy of
How we all could live

No regrets / they don't work
No regrets now / They only hurt
[We've been told you stay up late]
I know they're still talking
[You're far too short to carry weight]
The demons in your head

[Return the videos they're late]
If I could just hating you
[Goodbye]
I'd feel sorry for us instead

Remember the photographs (insane)
The ones where we all laugh (so lame)
We were having the time of our lives
Well thank you it was real blast

No regrets / they don't work
No regrets now / they only hurt
Write me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine

Everything I wanted to be every
Time I walked away
Every time you told me to leave
I just wanted to stay
Every time you looked at me and
Every time you smiled
I felt so vacant you treat me like a child
I loved the way we used to laugh

I loved the way we used to smile
Often I sit down and think of you
For a while
Then it passes me by and I think of
Someon else instead
I guess the love we once had is
Officially dead