Immersion

It did no good to tell himself that he never intended this to happen.

It did no good to berate himself for what he had done.

It did no good to try to convince himself that it made no difference in the scheme of things.

It did no good to try to fight it.

There was absolutely no point in hanging on any longer.

So he let go.

Expecting to drown.

Expecting to feel only pain.

Never expecting to find that drowning could bring such joy.

He supposed it made a difference when you were drowning in love.

As he was now.

Held within cherished arms.

That had just dragged him from the edge of death.

Arms that held him secure on the soldid surface, that had only gone around him when they had reached the shore.

Only having encircled him after having been cast recklessly end over end in an unforgiving sea of black.

He could only hope that the arms would always be open to him.

Always there to wrap around him and remind him he was safe.

Always there to support him.

Always there to remind him that by letting himself drown in love, he had learned how to soar.

*~*~* Toes Wet

He walked onto Enterprise for the first time.

Finally free of the endless call of the sea. Free of the expectation to do his duty to his name.

And burdened by a heavy load of guilt and shame.

For he had proved he was a coward.

And he had proved his courage.

He had done both by turning his back on Earth and the call of the sea.

To pursue the call of the stars.

He had betrayed his name.

He had stayed true to himself.

And now he cursed himself for doing so.

For he had just met his captain.

A man tall, handsome, who loved exploration.

A man of integrity, loyalty, and optimism.

A man who he was pulled towards.

A man who he must push away.

It was strangely reminiscent of seashore holidays.

Standing by the ocean.

Hearing her call.

Feeling the pull towards her.

Seeing the tides go in and out as they were pulled by the moon.

Standing just at the edge of the ocean.

The water just barely lapping at his feet.

Getting his toes wet.

Getting used to the water.

Hoping desperately that he would not be pulled under

That he would have to struggle so as not to drown.

And now seeing how his captain looked at him.

Feeling his attraction to his captain.

Feeling it lap at his feet.

Getting his toes wet.

He knew that he'd have to fight desperately not to be pulled under.

To struggle not to drown.

*~*~*

Wading

Here he was deep inside a cave.

A bullet in his leg.

Dust and mold in his lungs.

In pain, sick from allergies, cold.

And yet seeing him made him feel warm all over.

The look in those green eyes at seeing him alive.

To see how determined he is to get me back.

Is like feeling the warm summer sun.

Like being up to my thighs in the cool Irish Sea.

Refreshed by the cool water, by the knowledge that he's fighting for me so hard.

And yet warmed by the knowledge to as if basking in the sun.

Knowing by the look in the captain's eyes that he would not be left behind.

That he would not be swept away to sea.

That the captain would get him safely away from the Novan's.

That the captain would get him safely home.

*~*~* Submersed

He had been wondering what was going on. He had heard of all the calls made to Earth recently.

He had even briefly thought Hoshi was interested in him.

He had seen the covert looks the captain and commander gave each other.

Wondering if the captain had turned his interest to another.

Wondered if he could now get rid of the blasted pull.

The pull of attraction he felt drawing him toward the captain.

He had gone to the armoury expecting something work related.

He saw the captain and the commander there.

Then Hoshi came in carrying a platter.

A birthday cake.

For him.

Pineapple.

Learned how much the captain did to find out what he liked.

Learned just how hard it had been for Hoshi to find it out at the captain's request.

Saw how the captain lit up at being able to give him such a treat.

And felt how light and happy he was that the captain would do that for him.

And felt himself go under for the first time.

Felt himself immersed in the attraction he had toward the captain.

Felt himself completely covered, submersed.

And yet, though completely under.

He had not been afraid.

And now thinking back on the birthday party.

How he had been submersed and unafraid.

It terrified him.

*~*~* Undertow

So much pain and helplessness.

So much terror and loneliness.

They had found the wreckage of a ship.

The one piece big enough to identify a grave marker.

The Enterprise.

Scattered in a million pieces over an asteroid.

Everyone dead.

And now he would never drown in those green eyes again.

Never feel the pull toward the tall, handsome, explorer.

Never bask in his integrity, loyalty and optimism.

Never be afraid of drowning again.

And yet he was short of breath.

Terrified.

For he could no longer feel the pull toward the man.

And without that pull he was adrift.

Without the warmth from those green eyes.

He was bitterly cold.

And it wasn't due to the heat being shut off.

It was a sould deep cold.

A cold due to the pull, the attraction being gone.

The cold and the pain swirled around him.

Squeezing at his heart and lungs.

The undertow took him.

And he knew he'd never wake again.

And then he awoke. To sickbay and those green eyes.

And with the pull of attraction suddenly awoken within him again.

He had been unable to hide his joy.

He had been unable not to express his joy at seeing those green eyes.

At being able to breath again.

At being able to feel warm again.

Because the pull was back.

The urge to drown in those green eyes was back.

And he couldn't be any happier about it.

And that terrified him.

*~*~* Tides

Now it seemed that the captain was pushing him away.

Even as he came toward him.

That he pushed the captain away and yet tried to pull him closer.

The whole thing about Eagle Scouts and badges.

As if that was of any importance.

The barely concealed agitation as he and Trip went to their tent.

The wondering as the captain insisted that a barely clad lady visited him.

The unrelieved darkness of the planet drawing them closer.

The blackness pushing them further apart.

The pull of the tideof desire between them ebbing and flowing.

The need building and receding.

His need to fight it.

His need to surrender to it.

His being only a little afraid of the desire instead of terrified. He was getting used to the water of desire around him.

He was getting accustomed to the need covering him.

He was just a little bit less terrified of drowning.

And he had to push the tide that was sweeping him toward the captain away.

For it was hopeless.

For it was necessary.

For it was too strong to give into.

And to strong to escape.

*~*~* Whalesong

If a sailor heard a mermaid he was doomed.

He would be unable to resist.

He would do anything to reach the mermaid.

And his ship would be lured to the rocks to be shattered.

And as the sailor drowned, looking upon the ship wreck, he would not care.

For the mermaid was singing and her voice was enough to make his spirit soar.

But it is not mermaid song that was calling me.

It was a need to save the captain.

It was a desperation to deliver the man with the green eyes to safety.

It was anger that he was prevented from doing so just because the thing that took him might be able to think for itself.

Terror filled him as he heard that the lifesigns of those taken were fading.

And yet his hands were still tied.

Prevented from throwing a lifeline.

Fear coursing through him as he had to stay his hand.

Waiting for Hoshi to learn how to sing to the creature.

Hoping in the face of hopelessness that it would cause it to release the captain.

And awe as Hoshi learned how to sing to it.

Awe as it sang back.

Awe as it let go of everyone.

Giving himself a moment to be thankful the captain and the man was safe now.

*~*~* Chinese Water Torture

At one time prisoners had been kept in tiny cells.

Water dripping constantly upon their forehead.

Just constantly dripping on just that one place.

Did I really remember to close that exhaust?

Was my memory of doing so wrong?

Was it all my fault that 3600 people died?

Was it all my fault that the mission seemed to be doomed to be cancelled?

From the way the captain is tearing at me, he must think so.

And the thought he believes I made the mistake but am not man enough to own up to it, tortures me.

It tortures me in more ways than my thinking, even for a moment, that I could have made the mistake.

It hurts for me to tear into myself for not being even more careful, more paranoid, for not checking one more time to be sure.

It hurst worse for him to tear into me than it does for me to tear into myself.

And yet, I still feel the pull of attraction to him.

I hate myself for it.

For if I am guilty of making this horrible mistake, I'm not worthy of him.

It is only at the last moment we find the truth.

That it was Sulliban sabotage.

And yet, knowing that brings no comfort.

For the 3600 are still dead.

And I was unable to protect them.

*~*~* Dead Man's Float

Here the ship is surrounded by a minefield.

Here I am pinned by a mine that just rearmed itself.

Here the man I love says he will try again to disarm it.

A ship is out there waiting to blow the whole ship up if it doesn't leave soon.

The longer the captain tries to disarm the mine, the more likely it is that everyone I know will be killed by that ship.

We can't afford to delay any longer.

We can't afford the time it will take to defuse the mine.

The captain won't give up though.

The man won't give up against the relentless tide we're caught in.

So, I do the only thing I can think of that may give everyone a chance of survival.

If I was dead, the captain could get back into ship, let the piece of hull I'm pinned to go, and the ship get out of here.

So I disconnect the oxygen hose.

I feel as if I am floating.

Face down in a warm sea.

No air left to breathe, but a sense of rightness filling me.

I know what I'm doing is right.

And then the bastard saves me.

The man with the green eyes saves me.

The captain gives me some air.

The captain finds a one in a million chance of getting me back safely. The man convinces me to take it.

And I'm cast recklessly upon an unforgiving sea of black.

I am dragged from the edge of death.

And now I am on a solid shore.

I am held within cherished arms.

I am held secure on this solid surface.

I am encircled by his arms and his love.

I feel safe.

I feel loved.

I am grounded on this surface.

I tumble end over end.

Into those green eyes.

And I drown.

I die.

I am reborn.

I love.

I am loved.

I drown.

And I soar into the sky.

Wrapped in those arms.

Finding safety.

Finding home.

And all I had to do was let myself

Drown.

***