Mom,

I find myself thinking a lot about you lately, wondering what you would think of the man your son had become. Though its true I had thought more of dad the first two years on Enterprise, cherishing each new wonder, dedicating it to his memory, and keeping in mind just how much it had cost Earth to get me and my crew to the stars. Since we were charged with stopping the Xindi from destroying Earth I've been thinking of you more and more. I guess that when faced with the greatest difficulty of my life, with this greatest burden, I turned to thoughts of you as you were the source of greatest comfort to me when I was a child. I turned to thoughts of you and your unconditional love.

From my earliest memories, any time I most needed comfort and love you were there. Running your fingers through my hair, giving me a hug and kiss, and letting me know I was safe and loved. You chased the monsters away and I find myself desperately wishing you could chase away the monsters haunting me now.

Not the Xindi, with all their species and factions. But the every day monsters. Like fear, not of my duty, but of myself. I came so close, so very close, to murdering someone in an airlock just to get one miniscule step closer to my goal. You know mom, if it weren't for Malcolm's steadying presence then, I think I would have killed that man and became something I fear. I would have seen murder as a legitimate tool to get closer to finding the Xindi weapon.

There are other monsters chasing me besides fear of what I'm capable of in finding the Xindi weapon, such as obsession. For weeks I looked over and over and over the information we had gathered in the hopes of finding the one clue I needed. Taking very little time to sleep or eat, even less time for Porthos and myself. If Malcolm hadn't kicked me in the rear, figuratively, over it I would have snapped from the stress. I likely would have become like Ahab and been of no practical use in my mission.

Then there's the ever-present monsters of worry and what if, who prowl about my mind hand in hand. Worry always there, reminding me constantly that the Xindi are building the weapon, getting closer every minute to launching it. Then what if wrapping itself through my mind over and around the worry. What if the Xindi launch it before we know where it is? What if we can't catch up to it? What if we can't destroy it even though we find it? For a while, I thought my mind, heart, and soul would be consumed by worry and what if. Then I caught sight of Malcolm walking down a corridor, confident and determined and for a short time worry and what if were chased away.

Now any time they try to consume me I picture Malcolm with my mind. I remember the light in his eyes when I rescued him from the Novans. His trusting smile after I got him off the hull, or the way he looked at me with so much trust when we faced a hangman's noose. The way I'm compelled to touch him, and that smirk he gets when playing with weapons or feeling mischievous.

Whenever I've taken a misstep, he's been there to steady me. He does whatever is necessary to keep me going and keep the mission focused in my mind and yet not an obsession. Whenever I've feared that what I'm doing will make it impossible for me to look in the mirror and respect the man I see—he's been there to encourage me. I trust him more than I've trusted any one other than you mom.

He chases away the fear I'll become something I hate and showed me how to find a way to trust myself. He helps me keep determined to do my duty without drifting into dangerous waters. He helps me keep worry and what if at bay with just his smile or the memory of his smile.

Recently I was faced by a difficult choice. The ship was "dead in the water" and Trip unable to repair all the damage. We had only a few short days to get to a meeting point where we might gain an ally and would gain more information about the Xindi weapon. However, with the warp core down for the count we would not make the meeting. There was a ship nearby with a working warp core though, I had tried to barter for it, but when the other captain refused to trade I had to take it. To miss the meeting would risk too much. To have even a chance of success in our mission we had to make the meeting and for that we needed the warp core.

I led the team to take it, wanting the responsibility for it to be mine. Trip had to come with me to remove it from the other ship. Ideally I would have taken my Armory Officer with me, but I had noticed that my First Officer wasn't... well she was acting in such a way that I worried about leaving the ship solely in her command. So I left my Armory Officer behind to keep an eye on her and take over if he thought it was needed. For I knew I could trust him to do what was best for the ship and crew. I knew I could rely on him. For I loved him, my Armory Officer, my Malcolm.

You'd like him mom, he has an inner strength that gently glows all about him. He also has a carefully hidden emotional vulnerability that draws me to him. He has an ironic, wry, and wicked sense of humor that keeps me on my toes. He has a keen mind to go with his wit, his inventiveness and cunning, and depth of knowledge astounding me. Reflected not only in his work, but his wide range of choice in reading, his love of history, philosophy, and so many other things.

He is also the type of person you once told me would be perfect for me as a lifelong mate. You know the type I'd tell you was the most stubborn, pigheaded man possessed by an insane single mindedness. The same type you'd say "is a perfectly reasonable fellow." I'd say he was at least twice as stubborn as I was and you'd say he "only is doing what needs to be done and is only half as idiotically stubborn as you."

And we'd both be right.

So I know you'll love him when you meet him and get to know him mom. I do, with all my heart. I count myself lucky to have his love, his support, and his occasionally "knocking sense into that thick skull of yours" when I need it.

I love him, he loves me and any time I see him smile, those eyes full of welcome, I know I'm safe, that he'll keep me steady, and that with him I'm always home.

He chases the monsters away from me and I do the same for him. And now I'll go lie in his arms, surrounded by his love, and know just how lucky I am to have him.

Take care of yourself mom, Hope to hear from you soon Jon

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