Well, shit! What the hell just happened? One minute, I'm making love to Malcolm…It was incredible. In fact I would have come real close to describing it as the best I've ever had.

He's wide open to me; our eyes are locked—I feel like I can see all the way into his soul. And he's right on the verge of coming. When I touch him, he does come…and it's like holding a firecracker in my hand.

And then, just as it hits him, he whispers 'Jonathan.' What the fuck? I'm a little confused here, Malcolm.

He's never been a screamer. Not with me, anyway. I thought at first it was because he was just too uptight to let go that far. But I don't think that's it. He just had other ways of expressing it when he was enjoyin' himself. He'd pant and moan and urge me on in that damn sexy low voice of his.

'Oh yes. That's it. Dear god, Trip, don't stop now!'

At first I thought he was joking—callin' me Jonny—though how he'd have had the presence of mind to be funny at that point would have been a mystery to me. But that was no joke. There was no laugh in his eyes. And god, the way he said it, it sounded like a prayer. Or the answer to one.

Malcolm was out of bed so fast he nearly took part of me with him. Didn't say a word, but his hands were shaking as he pulled on his pants. He grabbed his shirt and shoes and was out the door before I could think of what to say. I caught a glimpse of his face; he must have turned to look at me as he palmed the door open. His eyes were so sad. He knew exactly what he'd said, but I'm not sure he knew why.

Now I know what I should have done. I should have grabbed him and held him. He would have fought me, trying to get away, but it would have been better to have talked about it then. He probably thinks I'll hate him…that I won't still love him. But he's wrong.

I should have thought to tell him about that night with Nathalie. The time I called her Lisa. But I guess that's not the same. Lisa was long past. Hell, she was married by then, and Nathalie knew it was just a slip of the tongue.

But Jon is here and now. And Malcolm's tongue doesn't slip.